it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
