I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
