someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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