I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
