Operation Purity has been aborted
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Drunk is not a location!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
