I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
