I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize