I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
