She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
