the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
