i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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