There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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