I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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