My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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