the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
