i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
