Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
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