I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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