a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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