When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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