Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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