booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
