i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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