the condom got lost in my hair
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
