He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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