I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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