Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
