Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
