why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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