Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
