i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
