the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
