you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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