my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
