I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
