Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
