It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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