isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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