If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
