I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
