Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
