I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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