Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
how does that bad decision feel?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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