I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
