I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
