The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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