I think I won the penis lottery.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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