just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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