I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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