I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
