I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
