I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
