you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my being single is dangerous.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
