i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize