I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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