is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
