I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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