Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you would pick up someone in the library
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
