I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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