I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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