I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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