Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
