just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Randomize
