Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
