it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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