when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
