captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
