I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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