New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
