his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
